I can see clearly now.

Warning: This post is not meant to be sad, depressing, etc. In fact it's quite the opposite...

Sometimes I feel like I'm going through life with my eyes closed. I have no idea what is going on around me... I'm just coasting through on cruise control. I just try to survive the day... forget finding the deeper meaning or reasoning to it. And now, I've woken up to find I'm 33 years old, married and have 3 kids growing up way too fast. The last few months I have really tried to stop and look at the things in my life. Physical, emotional and everything in between. Here are my observations:

1. My kids are growing up way too fast. I feel like my teaching time with them is becoming limited as they are now out in the real world more and more... and putting the lessons I've taught them to use. It's a very surreal experience to see your teaching being put to use.

2. I had lost my thirst for knowledge. I was so busy with life, I didn't even have the attention span to read a magazine article, much less a book. I am deliberately taking the time to learn new things. Maybe I can gain back some of those brain cells I've lost over the years.

3. My relationship with Jesus should be more of a relationship... not just me needing/wanting/expecting things. I was pretty selfish. And I'm working on it. Lord, help me.

4. Family relationships. I need them and they need me more than I knew. My niece and I are so much alike its scary. I think we have both found solace in the fact that we are not alone in our quirks. And maybe we can help each other with those quirks. Or laugh together about them, if nothing else.

5. You just never know how something you do will come back to you. Maybe I should just word that as, "God's timing is better than our own." Back in the fall Morgan and I tried to join up with some homeschooling groups to no avail. They were closed, cliquish or for younger kids. I contacted a few people with not really much response. We basically gave up. Then, out of the blue, we received a call from one of the families we had contacted before. They wanted to meet up for a field trip. We met, they are a beautiful family and I am thankful.

6. Relationships. Oh, relationships. I'm talking everyone from my neighbor to my husband. I'm trying very hard to be more deliberate. Not just be lazy and take the easy way out. I want to go out of my way to do something for them. You don't realize how much they mean to you until they're gone.

7. My time. I began to notice how much time I was spending reacting instead of being proactive. No more putting off what you can do tomorrow. I'm trying to anticipate, plan and execute. I'm trying not to worry as much either. Doesn't do any good anyway.

8. I ain't no spring chicken anymore. My bones hurt. My joints hurt. I'm seeing wrinkles and too much gray hair. I don't WANT to lose weight for vanity reasons, I NEED to lose weight for health reasons. In my mind, I still feel like I'm 20 years old. But my body don't. I need to not abuse this body and take it for granted.

9. My purpose. Yes, I do have a purpose. Be deliberate. Be thankful. Explore. Examine. Make the most of your life. All those feel good things. Maybe there is something to all of it....

I'm not saying that these are huge revelations, just observations of areas that I need to improve. And they are specific to me, not observations of others.

God, thank you for opening my eyes!

A closer relationship with Him has showed me that there is more to life than just the day-to-day. I don't want to be just a by-stander in my life. I sometimes feel like I'm reading a great book and I have to read between the lines - and that is where the real story is told.